Celebrity Nooz: Drive Angry

Drive Angry (2011)

Movie Title: Drive Angry

Year Released: 2011

Rated: R

Runtime: 1h 44min

Genre: Action, Fantasy, Thriller

Director: Patrick Lussier

Writer: Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, David Morse, Todd Farmer, Christa Campbell, Charlotte Ross, Tom Atkins, Jack McGee, Katy Mixon, Pruitt Taylor Vince

Review: After his daughter is killed, and her daughter gets taken by a vile satanic cult, a vengeance seeking father/grandpa named Milton (Nicolas Cage) escapes from the fire and brimstone of hell. Now, he's hitting the road with a down-on-her-luck waitress, Piper (Amber Heard), to rescue his granddaughter before she is sacrificed. There's action, car chases, satanists, uncomfortable nudity - and it's all in 3D! It is as stupid as it sounds and it's a shame that it wasn't entertaining in the least. Thankfully I didn't see this in the theater when it came out because if I did the whole way home I would have had to Drive Angry!

What tries to come off as an homage to '70s Grindhouse Cinema is more like trusting a fart - it seemed like a good idea at the time, but ultimately stinks up the joint and leaves you feeling embarrassed, not only for yourself, but for all that experienced it. While stilling through this unimaginative, boring, and laughable affair all I could think about was how writer-director Patrick Lussier and co-writer Todd Farmer were giggling and high-fiving each other over just how totally awesomely bad-ass their movie is, was, and will always be. Drive Angry sucks! It sucks hard!

The story is so convoluted and unfocused that you as the audience lose sight of what the hell was going on from scene to scene. The car chases are lame. The 3D effects are horrendously bad. And the CGI is worse than that of The Rock as The Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns. And for a thrilling action movie there's no forward momentum. It's action scene, then a loooonnnggg exposition scene, then characters go places and do things because the movie has to happen and then action, exposition, repeat. It's so boring! I'm falling asleep writing about it!

Nicolas Cage, who's a national treasure (get it!), looks like he could really give two craps about what's going on during the runtime. He doesn't seem angry, upset, hurt, rage-fueled, or even mildly miffed about the death of his character's daughter or that his granddaughter is in danger. I'm sure he got paid fairly well and that's all it was about for him. Then there's Amber Heard. How is she an actress? She's terrible. I get that she's attractive and can add some sex appeal to this trashy tribute to exploitation flicks, but I've seen better acting on late night infomercials. With every one of her moments, looks, and lines of dialogue all I could hear was her inner monologue saying, "I'm acting. I'm acting. Look at me. I'm an actress. Acting is something I was told I could and look at me do it. Oh, look, something shiny!" She's a dud. No charisma, charm, or talent with that zero. The only two that seem like they are enjoying themselves are William Fichtner as the Accountant and Billy Burke as the cult leader. They're having fun, but it's all in services of nothing that makes them all that interesting, plus they have no pay-offs to their mysterious characters. Fichtner works for the devil, he seems like he's got a few tricks up his sleeve, but no, just a trick coin that turns into an FBI badge that the local PD follow without question, but this movie was written by two idiots!

I hate this movie so much! It's an ill-conceived genre movie that's such a slog to get through that you're better off watching the movies that it ripped off (like Race With The Devil and other). Don't waste your time with this cinematic skid mark, even if you love the Nic Cage. Avoid Drive Angry at all cost. I would rather watch actual people drive angry than this underwhelming horse-turd ever again!

Stars (out of 4):

Fun Fact: Nicolas Cage originally wanted to shave his head and sport a full tattoo on his cranium. He was talked out of this.

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