V/H/S (2012)

Movie Title: V/H/S

Year Released: 2012

Rated: R

Runtime: 1h 56min

Genre: Horror, Thriller

Director: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, David Bruckner, Tyler Gillett, Justin Martinez, Glenn McQuaid, Radio Silence, Joe Swanberg, Chad Villella, Ti West, Adam Wingard,

Writer: Simon Barrett, David Bruckner, Nicholas Tecosky, Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, Radio Silence, Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett, Justin Martinez, Chad Villella,

Starring: Hannah Fierman, Joe Swanberg, Sophia Takal, Norma C. Quinones, Drew Moerlein, Jeannine Elizabeth Yoder, Jason Yachanin, Helen Rogers, and many more

Review: When a group of low-rent criminals are hired to break into an abandoned house to steal a rare VHS tape, they find themselves watching several bizarre recordings on the various tapes they do find. As the night goes on they will learn which is more horrific, the found footage or what lurks within the house of horrors.

From the trailers and the plot synopsis V/H/S sounds rather promising as a modern anthology horror movie with a retro feel, but I'm sad to say...I really, really, really, severally, angrily, maddeningly, seriously hated this movie like none other.

First off, the premise doesn't really make much sense. What's on this mysterious tape? Who wants it? Why do they want it? And so on?

Second, 99.9 % of the characters in these different tales that are spun are the most repugnant, degenerate scumbags every put on film. I hated them all. Not one redeemable person in the whole bunch.

Next, we have 6 tales of "terror" to watch in this anthology. The main thru-line tale titled "Tape 56" has the group of B&E-ers watching the other tales: "Amateur Night", "Second Honeymoon", "Tuesday the 17th", "The Sick Thing that Happened to Emily When She Was Younger", and "10/31/98". Most are more confusing than scary. Many are mean-spirited and aggressively, uncomfortably misogynist. Several play out like a college kid with a couple hundred bucks, a case of beer, and some editing software with After Effects on it, made a horror short that really has something to say; What it actually says is that you're a no talent hack that couldn't tell a good scary story if you reading a Stephen King book to the audience. Honestly, I've seen better film on teeth.

And lastly, the more it goes on I just felt bad for all of the "actors" and "actresses" in the picture., especially the actresses. Just the horrendous situations and predicaments that they have to put up with. This movie is NOT fun or enjoyable. And it really feels that no one on-screen is having any fun either. Oh, and it's all "found footage" so BOOOOOOOO!!! to that!

However, I will admit that I did kind of enjoy the "Tuesday the 17th" segment. That's only because it was kind of a clever take on a Friday the 13th style story and it was very self-aware. But the rest were about as much fun as getting a colonoscopy from Captain Hook.

Avoid V/H/S at all costs. I would have given it half a star, but this program we use for the reviews won't let me. Now that's scary.

Stars (out of 4):

Fun Fact: Sam and Stephanie's fortune card from the machine in "Second Honeymoon" alludes to the other arcs of the anthology, as well as its own arc.


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