Celebrity Nooz: Cobra

Cobra (1986)

Movie Title: Cobra

Year Released: 1986

Rated: R

Runtime: 1h 27min

Genre: Action, Crime, Thriller

Director: George P. Cosmatos

Writer: Sylvester Stallone (based on the novel "Fair Game" by Paula Gosling)

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Reni Santoni, Andrew Robinson, Brian Thompson, John Herzfeld, Lee Garlington, Art LaFleur, Marco Rodríguez, Val Avery, David Rasche

Review: Lt. Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone) is a one-man army that runs on pure crime-stopping power. When a sinister murder cult targets a surviving witness (Brigitte Nielsen) "Cobra" must take them head on with a laser-mounted submachine gun in one hand and a pearl-handled Colt .45 in the other. As the tagline says: Crime is a disease. Meet the cure.

Fresh off of Rocky IV, where Rocky Balboa single-handedly ends the Cold War, Sylvester Stallone is ready to single-handedly take down a murderous cult in Cobra. As the ultimate tough cop Marion Cobretti, Stallone is definitely smack-dab in the middle of a very egocentric time in his career. He wrote this one for himself and he's really the only thing that's memorable thanks to his '80s wardrobe, sunglasses, weaponry, classic supped-up car, chewing matchsticks, delivering bad lines horribly, and taking down bad guys left and right without much effort or enthusiasm.

The only really interesting part of the movie that I found memorable was actor Brian Thompson as the lead villain known as the Night Slasher. This dude is so scary, menacing, and intense that I had to watch this one with the lights on. He will certainly leave an impression on you.

Brigitte Nielsen, the future ex-Mrs. Stallone, really has nothing to do other than look scared, scream, run, and smile at Sly when he's attempting to protect her. Plus, it wastes solid character actors like Reni Santoni, Andrew Robinson, and Art LaFleur. That's not cool!

Did I mention that this is a movie made by the shlock studio Cannon Films? You can smell Cannon all over this one. Watch this documentary to learn more: Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films. Apparently, Cobra was heavily edited and ground down to just under 90 minutes for some reason. But I can't imagine what didn't make the cut as opposed to what did make it in.

Cobra is a good bad movie. It fails to create another franchise character for Stallone. However, it does make cutting a piece of leftover pizza with scissors and then eating it look really, really, incredibly, bafflingly stupid. I did enjoy this on some level. It's classic '80s action cheese served hot! If you want to see Stallone not really do any police work and then shoot 40 plus creeps and fight the big bad in a factory that's loud, dark, and has sparks shooting everywhere then prepare the anti-venom because you're gonna get bitten by Cobra.

Stars (out of 4):

Fun Fact: In an interview Sylvester Stallone described the character of Marion Cobretti as "Bruce Springsteen with a badge."

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